I'm trying hard to grow, please don't walk on me

A couple weeks ago in my D&C class we were talking about writing in our journals. Section 47 mentions three things that about your journal entries: it needs to be a regular history, continuous and by the comforter. Our professor said that he hates going back and reading his journal because the only time he wrote was when he broke up with a girlfriend. He said he felt like that wasn't really who he was. Well sometimes I feel like this blog is a type of a journal. It's fun to look at old post and read my random thoughts I tend to have. I don't really think that it has any affect on people who read it but I would like to share a personal story in hopes that someone can take something from my experience. I've played with the idea of not sharing for sometime because this it is something that is close and personal to me but have decided to go ahead and share. I ask you to please not judge my writing for it is far from perfect. Understand that these are real feelings that I've had and I'd ask you to respect that.

A couple months ago, I hit a rough spot in my life. I don't really know when it started or what triggered it but I got to a point in my life where I had a hard time praying. I knew that I should be saying my prayers and that through my prayers, things would fall into place but I just didn't care. I would get down on my knees and begin my prayers but felt like I had nothing to say and would just give up. I didn't really know that consequences that were about to follow. In my D&C class, I began to question everything that Brother Esplin was saying. It all just seemed so bogus. I've always had a testimony of the gospel. I've had my doubts but deep down I knew it was true. I just couldn't grasp the fact that Joseph Smith found an "ancient record" written thousands of years ago and then began translating them with stones?!  Hearing story after story about early members in the church who were baptized and then a couple months later apostatized, it made me wonder why they were doing so. I began to doubt everything about Church History. That soon dripped into my testimony of the Book of Mormon, then prophets etc...  The whole time I hoped that what I had believed for 20 years of my life was true but I became very apathetic towards it all. Once the spirit was out of my life, Satan worked his way into my thoughts and actions.

I began to view myself as worthless. I wasn't good enough nor could ever I be. I wasn't smart enough to be at BYU, I was just wasting my time. I wasn't as pretty as she was. I wasn't healthy. I was nice. I wasn't a good person and I had nothing to offer. I was fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and a complete waste. I hated looking in the mirror because I hated who I had become.  I know everyone feels like this at times but I honestly believed it. Satan had convinced me that I was something other that what I truly am. I knew all the right answers, " I am a daugter of god"  " I have a divine nature" " Just say your prayers and read your scriptures and everything will work out" I could bust out the Young Womens theme I've quoted every Sunday since I was 12. " We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us and we love him. " blah blah blah. I knew it but didn't believe it. I refused to read my scriptures. I had absolutely no desire to pray and I didn't really no what to do. I usually can work through my problems by talking through them with a trusted friend but I felt like these kind of thoughts don't happen to people like me. Let me clarify what I mean by people like me. I don't mean to come off as arrogant and make myself look any better than anyone but I loved who I was. I am generally a positive person. I am out going and friendly. I love to help people and be involved. I was the senior class president, laurel president, drama student, basketball player and involved in community committees. I was the person people came to with problems. I was the friend who people came to when they didn't know where else to turn. People looked up to me and I knew it, that's why I always tried to be a good role model. People like that don't have these thoughts. We're not supposed to seriously doubt the gospel, or even our self worth. I felt like I needed to put on a show for others. I needed to be their rock and strength when they needed help. So many other people are struggling with their own issue and helping them was something that I could do.

After a couple months, I realized that this needed to stop. I was not happy with the way things were going and what I was becoming. I did a lot of pondering as to the root of my problems. I traced it back to the spirit wasn't in my life. The spirit wasn't in my life because I didn't want it there and this showed by my actions. I needed to pray! I tried forcing myself to pray and I would just get frustrated because it wasn't working.  I would get down on myself because I knew what I needed to do but I couldn't get myself to do so. I began to hate everything about me.  I was at a loss.

One day, things started off as normal but it led into something that changed me (well technically the day started off by being woken up to the BYU Marching Band playing the school song right outside my window but that's beside the point lol). It started out with my just hanging out with a good friend. We spent the a couple hours just talking and just enjoying being around each other. One topic led to another and before I knew it, I somehow spilled everything that I was thinking. Poor guy! He said something that really stuck out to me. He said to take something that I was sincere about and pray for just that. Once I was comfortable with that expand. Slowly work my way back to where I was. I thought I would put it to the test. That night I picked something that I was sincere about, I wanted to like myself. My prayer went a little something like this

" Father, I want to like myself. Amen"

That went on for a couple days. I didn't really think it would make a difference but it was something that I was sincere about. I had faith that if it was important to me, it was important to him. Little by little, I began to notice things about myself that I liked. I decided that I had control over the person I wanted to be. If I thought I was fat, do something. I started running. It wasn't easy at all because at first my heart didn't like it. I would get frustrated because I was taking action and doing something with my life and I kept getting set back. I stuck with it and over another period of weeks I soon became more comfortable with myself. Before I knew it, I was back in the swing of things. Prayer became not only something I needed to do but something I craved to do. I began to see the effects of my prayers in all aspects of my life. School seemed to go better, my social life was more satisfying, and I found myself genuinely happy. I could think clearer and I was excited about what life had to offer. Soon after that I got a great job promotion, my grades improved, and things were going swell. I look back to where a was several months ago and where I am today, and I am so happy for the progress I've made. I'm grateful for wonderful friends and family who without even knowing it, helped me out in so many ways.

This experience has taught me several things but first and foremost, the power of prayer. I have a testimony of prayer and of it's divine importance. This is not only a commandment but a wonderful blessing to be able to call upon our father, ask for blessings and build a relationship with him. I know that he has a plan for me and he is eager to guide me to the directions I need to go. I know that he knows me. He knows my thoughts, desires, fears, and concerns.

Another thing I've learned is that we have control over our lives. If we don't like something, change it. We have the agency to do so. Take control over your life and make it they way you want.

The third thing is how important it is to have the spirit with us daily.  I am grateful for the opportunity of that companionship and I hope that I will always live worthily enough to have it.

The fourth things I've learned is of my self worth. I am daughter of God and I do have a divine nature. I am beautiful and I have a lot to offer. I am wonderful woman and can do great things with my life. I don't need to push aside my concerns and feelings for others BUT I want to. I want to help others.  I know who I am, I know what I want. I don't need to let other people tell me who I should be. I love me! I love the potential I have. I need to stand up for the respect I deserve. I will settle for no less than that. I am important. I am unique. I am fun. I am compassionate. I am happy. I know that I have a lot to work on and I'm excited for the future changes that will take place as I continue to strive to be like my savior Jesus Christ.

If you made it to the end, you have no life, haha jk. I hope that you can take something from this and if not I hope you got some entertainment out of it at least. I want to leave with my testimony that I know Joseph Smith was a true prophet. He really did see God the Father and his son Jesus Christ. He literally translated the Book of Mormon as well as the Bible. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has the fullness of the gospel and I'm so excited to be a part of it. I am so grateful for the sealing power and the opportunity to be with my wonderful family for all eternity. I look forward to the day when I will be able to enter the house of the Lord and make those sacred covenants for myself. Thank you everyone for the wonderful examples you are to me. Know that I love you and am praying for you.