Life as I know it

Disclaimer: Long and deep blog post. Read at your own risk

Dear World,

In the BYU devotional the other day, Sister Amy Jensen talked about how the technology we have can be a good thing when we use our agency to use it in a positive manner.  She proposed two questions that really stood out to me.

1. How are you keeping record of the good and happy in your life?

2. Does it help you to feel eternity

Sometimes I think that blogging is so dumb and no body really cares how I feel or the random things I do, then I read other peoples blogs, see what they are learning and I feel inspired. Maybe something I think or say can be inspiring to someone else... just maybe.

I figured it was about time that I quite avoiding it and open up to let you see a little more into the heart and mind of yours truly, Grace Anne. I feel like I have been hiding in some dark cave for the last 4 months trying to piece myself together before showcasing my life to the world.

I pray, that as I try to convey life as I know it, that the spirit can guide you to something you need to hear. I hope you can see the good and happy in my life, and help you to feel eternity.

The last couple months have been some like I've never known before. I don't even know where to begin or how express my thoughts. I reflect often on the last couple weeks in the mission field. I was filled with an indescribable joy and peace. I was 100% confident that my Father in Heaven was aware of me. He  was proud of the service that I had given and I anxiously awaited all the blessings that I had no doubt were ahead of me. Words such as hope, confidence, excitement, trust, and love could describe my view of the world. I was so confident in Gods love for me and for the plan that He had for my life. Although I anticipated an adjustment period and some hardships with returning home( mostly weather related :) ) , I was fully confident that the things ahead of me where according to the Lords will and that great joy and happiness awaited.

Fast forward 4 months... 

Here I am, sitting in the library trying to write a paper on India and having a hard time focusing because I have much more weightier matters on my mind. Not that the demography in India isn't important, but I have found myself in a position I never thought I would be in especially after serving a mission. 

Remember those words of hope, confidence, excitement? I seem to have forgotten what that feels like. My current life feelings are the complete opposite of those the last few weeks in the field.

Questions like "Why do I feel like my prayers aren't being heard?" I taught people this. I witnessed many miracles of prayers being answered. I've experienced answers to my own prayers before so why do all of the sudden I feel like any communication I attempt with God is bouncing off the ceiling.   I study my scriptures and feel like I get nothing. I pray some of the most heartfelt sincere prayers and all I hear is silence. I go to the temple seeking peace and I get even more confused. I talk to close friends and family and they offer their thoughts which are always appreciated but nothing seems to quite quench this thirst. I hear that these feelings are normal for any returned missionary and that you just have to keep at it.

 I never knew that I could be so weak as far as the gospel goes. I have so many questions/doubts/fears and I am doing everything I know how. It's hard because I know the "answers." I provided those soul seeking life answers to the people in Florida and I have had my own personal experiences with them. I am now taking the things I taught and applying them into my life in a way that I never have before. Don't get me wrong, I have applied gospel principles to my life situations many times before. One of the purposes of the gospel is eternal progression, so this trial of mine is helping to progress and develop in ways I never knew I needed to. It's funny how the Lord humbles us.

I am not going to list all the reasons I feel justified in saying why I am having a hard time but I think it will suffice to say that this has been a period and great test and trial for me.

So how am I doing?  

It's been a battle. I feel so desperate to feel the Lords love and to know that He is aware of me. I'd like to say I am hopeful, optimistic, and faithful but to be fair to myself, I am not. I only say that because I feel like that is what I am expected to say. I feel hopeless. I feel discouraged. I feel abandoned. I feel tired. I feel angry. I feel depressed. I feel hurt. I feel like I am being punished. I even find myself asking "where are these blessings that were promised?"

Now I am not looking for advice, trust me I am trying everything. Gratitude journal/prayers, filling my day with conference talks and service, making choices and moving forward, prayer, seeking guidance from loved ones, temple attendance, fasting etc... I keep telling myself, just give it time, it will get better. I have so many questions and things I don't understand. I realized I don't need to know or understand.  I just want to feel like the Lord is aware of me. That He loves me and that He has a plan for my life.

Where I am going with all this?

The point of this post isn't to worry you or to illustrate how hard life can be sometimes. The point is really quite simple. Remember how at the beginning of all this I asked two questions

How are you recording the good and happy in your life?

Does it help you to feel eternity?

Well, this is a record of the good and happy in my life. Sounds odd you might be thinking. I am partially still thinking that too but the point is this...

Sometimes in life we do all we can. We don't feel we are strong enough or brave enough or that it will be worth our efforts. We ask question like "why". We feel alone. We feel lost and we feel scared. That is exactly why we have the gospel of Jesus Christ and by focusing on the things we know, we can see good in our lives and gain a greater sense of eternity.

Although I don't see the good in this situation and have doubts as to when I will, I DO know that all this will be for my benefit. 

I know that this gospel is true. I know that with every ounce of my soul. As much as it would be easier to deny it sometimes, I can't nor do I want to.

I know that at one point I felt God love. I know that He is the same, yesterday, and forever so therefore, He must still love me.

I know that God heard my prayers before, so He must now 

I know that Jesus Christ really did suffer for my sins and pains. I believe and hope that He is close to me as I reach out to Him in my own pathetic agony. I know that when the time is right that I will feel His love again. It will come when it will yield the greatest advantage. This is know.

I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I especially know of the promise in Mosiah 2:41is true

 " And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and ^ahappy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are ^bblessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out ^cfaithful to the end they are received into ^dheaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

So while I don't know how long I will have to struggle, or why I am not dealing with things the way I think I should, I will continue to do the things I know are right and pray for peace and comfort. I know that at some point, it will come. 

And that is life as I know it.

This message is brought to you today from the mind of a 23 year returned missionary, journalism student, FHE coordinator, Coldplay and Paul Simon loving, brownie eating, left handed, quirky girl who is trying to figure this whole life thing out.